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 Questions and AnswersDear Jan, Maybe you can publish this, since I am sure many of your followers can relate. Why do some of us attract potential partners that are emotionally unavailable?? Jan's Response:
Jan, Your words are always insightful. Why is it so much easier to look at other relationships and offer the best advice, but when we look at our own situation we're clueless as to what to do. I've counseled others and see other relationships that are faltering. The advice and wisdom I provide is so easy to offer and is most often well received, but in my own relationships it's almost like I am blind to the good and bad. Jan's Response:
Discover a new view of yourself? "I was blind, but now I see." "I felt dead; but now I feel me." What an incredible day in my life. You changed my view of myself and how I perceive so many in my life. It must be very empowering to know that when you touch one life, you touch many people's lives. I came home and shared with my neighbor – who in return was able to talk about her life. Then I shared with my Number 1 adopted son in Arizona. He said, "Mom, I could hear the change in your voice when I called and I knew something had happened." I was able to share so many things with these two dear loved ones and I cannot wait to share with many, many more. Also, I have started your book and wanted to sit and read it all night; but loved ones needed my attention. I cannot wait to get back into the book. I know that it too is going to be life-changing for me. In my educational career I have been truly blessed to have been in workshops taught by some of the most internationally known speakers i.e. Zig Zigler, Mamie McPherson, Les Brown and so many others and I want you to know that today touched me in a way that was so much broader than other workshops. I feel as though I lived a lifetime in less than five hours; and what an experience and an eye opening view to look back at my life with you. You taught me so many wonderful things that I will never forget in those five hours. I already have a lineup of people that I want to take your workshop. I would like to work with you through organizations here in Gainesville to get scholarships for people who cannot afford your workshops but that I know will impact so many others lives, if you are interested. Again, thank you for allowing me to be me again. I appreciate you enormously. BelleHow long do you keep options open? I continue to be a fan of your website and I am finally in a wonderfully naked relationship. I have a question though. At what point do you pull up the trolling motor (so to speak). I think at times I close the door on other opportunities too soon and give my "all" to the one I'm with. I believe this because I have observed (in my own opinion without questioning the person) that the men that I've been with don't do this in the same manner that I do. It's like they are always "trolling" and they continue speak freely with other women etc... Maybe I just view it wrong and they are just being outgoing – sometimes I see it as a threat. I'm questioning whether what I'm doing is healthy and what should I expect from my partner with regards to his interactions with the opposite sex. When I'm in a relationship with a man I do not generally make eye contact with other men and just give off a "not-available" vibe. Is this a bad thing if I'm hindering contact from the opposite sex, a good thing, or just who I am? I'm not sure it is even conscious but now that I've reflected on it a bit it may be a way to ward off the fear of what to say if someone were to flirt with me. Where are the boundaries here.... between being sociable and flirting? I don't want to be snobbish or unfriendly – quite the opposite I love people and want to be outgoing without betraying my partner or being flirtatious... what are the rules? Thanks, Deanna Jan's Response:Dear Deanna, Thank you for following my website! In a "wonderfully naked relationship," you can say what you're thinking out loud. You don't have to try to read your partner's mind or wonder what to expect. :) Just talk (and listen). If you want to be outgoing without being flirtatious, do that. Don't avoid eye contact because you're afraid that you won't know what to say; and don't flirt because you're afraid of running out of options. What would you do if you weren't afraid? You get to make your own rules. Base them on love — rather than fear. Everything you could possibly want in life is a byproduct of simply being you — being true to yourself, which is really being true to your essence of love. When you understand that you are love, you won't be afraid. You won't worry about scarcity of options; part of love is abundance. And you won't feel threatened by your partner's behavior, either! :) If this doesn't seem clear, please feel free to e-mail another question or schedule a consultation (15 minutes is free). Wishing you the very best of you — life and love, Jan Start here and now ... I am listening to your interview with Dr. Christiane Northrup and can I tell you what a miracle it is for me to hear it so clearly especially today. Lately, the calling to spread the message of truth that we are all "ONE" and that we are enough has been very strong for me. I keep thinking that I have to keep preparing myself to know more and to clear all my baggage before I can start teaching. Listening to you today, I find that not to be the truth. I can start exactly where I am today exactly as I am. I want to say thank you for all that you have done and for having the Faith, Courage and Love to share all of it with the world. Know that we are listening. Please keep doing what you do. In Love & Light, April Losing it emotionally ... I wanted to ask if you can enlighten me a little on an experience that you shared in your interview with Christiane Northrup. You described yourself as losing it emotionally as your 2nd marriage was coming to an end. I know that when emotions are high my intelligence is low, and that is my survival instinct kicking in. I would like to be more conscious of my emotions and have a choice to come from love when the situation presents itself to me. I don't want to be re-active, I want to consciously help heal myself and those I am in relationship with. I am asking if you have any thoughts or tools on what to do when you're in the midst of it? Best regards, Joan Jan's Response:
To Share the Truth ... Or Not I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 5 months. We have always been friends but found we were there for each other when we both were going through terrible divorces. Our relationship has grown into something I did not think was possible. He would do anything for his kids and often works 7 days a week for overtime, just to give them the things he did not have as a child. His relationship with his children is one of the things I love most about him. His daughter is definitely the typical "daddy's girl" but he wouldn't have it any other way. He is almost finished with his long custody battle for his children but recently when shopping at the local store I overheard a woman speaking about her ex-husband. She was bragging to a group of women that her ex is so clueless because she will be getting a large portion of money for child support, even though her 9 year old daughter is not his. She was laughing about the fact that he had no idea she had been cheating on him their entire marriage. I was absolutely horrified when I saw my boyfriend's ex-wife walk around the corner. She did not see me, and I couldn't say anything even if I wanted to because I was in complete shock. Now that I have had time to process this information, I am torn as to whether or not to tell him what I overheard. I'm not sure if I was in his shoes, if I would even want to know. His relationship with his daughter is so strong I would hate to ruin that, although I'm sure he would still treat her like his own, but does that justify me keeping this secret? If he finds out later down the road and I knew all this time would it be worse for the two of them? I just don't know if I can keep this from him but I don't know how to break this news to him either. What would you do? Crystal, Torn in IL Jan's Response:
Long Ago Relationship 41 years ago I gave birth to a daughter – but my being underage, she was taken away from me. My mother treated me like the plague and did the hide you away thing and "not talk about it ever again" in the 60s. I knew this child would receive what I couldn't and let her go in my heart – always giving blessings on her birthday ... but have not thought of her in many years now. Well today I received an email looking for me – and with the age of finding people, it is not a wonder she found a link to maybe it is really me, although I was told by the hospital that no one would ever know. So much was so hush-hush then and I even lost a sister to suicide three years later, when she was pregnant and thought she couldn't tell my mother and ended her life. Now I don't know how to respond to her ... I have 3 grown children, 9 grandchildren. I did let my children know about her after my divorce. My husband at the time told me NEVER to speak of it ...so I did not. I then was single for 17 years and remarried a year and a half ago. I'm retiring soon, and we are moving on to another page in our lives. Do you have any suggestions? I do not wish to meet her ... some of the circumstances in my life seem like a horror movie ... and I don't want to share that with her. Gee, I'm babbling on here. Thanks in advance, Jan's Response:
Finding Love Within Changes Everything I'm at the point in Innately Good about the black bear and how you stopped on the side of the road to observe it. I am sure you have heard this many times, but I so resonate with you and especially your book. I'm working on finding the love within as I see my life changing for the better because of this. Perhaps Paul was just a catalyst for this, I guess time will tell if my future will include him or not. We keep in touch, but only see each other once a week. Thank you again for the gift of this book and I will write you again when I have finished it. Namaste, Gina Do You Feel Unlovable? Ok, this is intense reading. I thought I should stop after the introduction when you talk about Essence, because I thought I was cured (he he). It is so relatable. I truly am moving through this journey. It has been an incredible ride so far with so much more to come for me. I have discovered more about myself in the past two years than in the last 40. Well, I did not stop there and on page 11, in the third paragraph you talk about how one may feel unlovable. I think this paragraph is spot on. It is the true and the most accurate description I have ever read of my situation, and I was so relieved to see it in print. It has opened my eyes a lot. I am continuing reading and hope to finish by the end of the week but I wanted to stop and send you this note. I hope you are smiling when you read this. Have a great and healthy week and thanks for sharing Innately Good with the world. Gary We Are Where We Want to Be I've been reading your column for a few years now, thoroughly enjoyed your column on Attention. I'd like to add my 2¢ worth this time, if you don't mind. As a long-time forgiving & accepting listener, observer of human nature & what motivates our behaviors, I've often attempted to gently reminded the people that have wandered into & out of my life that we all tend to give our attention to what's genuinely most important to us at any given moment... everything else is an excuse or justification to pursue or avoid something else. There's no judgment intended or implied with this statement, it's just a simple truth that becomes more apparent once you make the connection. Every day, whatever we voluntarily give our attention to and actively participate in at any given moment, clearly defines and illustrates exactly what our real priorities are – whether we're consciously aware of them or not. Becoming consciously aware of what we choose to focus our energy on & having the courage to accept responsibility for how we prioritize our lives seems to be a major challenge for most people as they go about their busy lives. It takes practice & courage, but making the connection and choosing to live more consciously, authentically & honestly is a liberating experience, indeed. Thank you for helping the readers of your columns & books take those baby steps in order to achieve these and other rewarding goals in their busy lives. Kind Regards, Crys Jan's Response:
Friends with Benefits Turns Hurtful My husband passed away 2 yrs. ago after having a serious surgery. He was only 57 yrs. old and I am now 55. This yr. back in the middle of June, an old friend (Male) whom I had fixed up with his wife 3 yrs. ago called me, his wife had been talking to a man I was talking to. She ended up filing for divorce from her husband, and moving in with this guy. They were sweethearts in high school. No big deal on my part. As I said, her X whom I had known even before they got together, started calling me. I had always liked this guy as a friend. In the beginning he was like do you want to date me, I said sure, then he said after all was settled we would date. He would come, he met my friends, he was so charming, and nice. Then after a month or so, he brought up the idea of friends with benefits. I had never heard of such a thing because I had been married 36 yrs. Well, anyway it happened. Now he has two women he is interested in, and he said he no longer felt comfortable coming to my house. He asked if I had found a man yet, I said no, to be honest with you, I like you. He then said, that's not possible or something of that nature. He said he wanted someone his own age (I'm the same age his wife was) and he knew my age when he started calling me. I know one thing, I had never ever been a FWB person nor ever heard of it, and learned the hard way. I never will again no matter how long I've known someone. I agreed upon his offer but later I found it to be very hurtful. He said he wasn't going to marry or have a live in. Does he sound like a Player to you also? Thanks, Jan's Response:
"God's Will" Lately I just feel really alone. I don't give in to the "not good enough" feelings, but I sometimes find myself asking "Is there something wrong with me? Why don't I ever meet anyone?" I do believe that I'm where I'm supposed to be and God has a plan and all that, but is He ever going to send someone for me to love, or am I to accept His will, which is to be by myself? I know I sound like I have no faith — believe me, I do, I just get tired. Jan's Response:
Believing in yourself is easy when you know who you are I suffer a bad lack of self-esteem. I don't know how to believe in myself and instead have a great trust and belief in others. It makes people everywhere want to bully or intimidate me. I just read a book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. about people violating each other's personal right to do what they want and to feel how they want to feel. Do you know of any assertive therapy classes around? Thank you Jan's Response:
Response to FWB Column Dear Ms. Denise,
Jan's Response:
More Dialogue Ms. Denise,
Jan's Response:
Where's the path to joy? Hi, Jan!
Jan's Response: Think your thoughts are inconsequential? Jan, I have always maintained that our feelings and our thoughts determine the actions we take, and that we are responsible for our thoughts and for the actions we take. If our thoughts are filled with love, then the actions we take are filled with love. If our thoughts are filled with fear, then the actions we take are filled with fear. If love dominates our behavior, then we influence others with our love. If fear dominates our behavior, then we influence others by harming them. You do say it in so many words and you do say it a lot. You have defined the meaning of love as no one else has. What you have done is reveal the fact that when we remove the layers of human experience, we will discover the love that we are, which I have defined as the essence of our being. Love, John Talerico How do I avoid giggling and mixed messages? After being in a relationship most of my life, I welcome being single. For the first time in my life I know what I want (and more so what I DON'T want). I am comfortable being me, being alone and am content without a man. I have two children that I love more than anything (one is special needs) and I embrace this time to nurture them and not have the interference of a partner. I am also going back to school. And while I want a partner eventually, I am not in a hurry and want to be true to myself this time and be selective as to whom I let seep into my life. I haven't always had good boundaries and that brings me to my question: I have been shown much interest by men and never having been alone long enough to learn the ins and outs of dating, I could use some help on drawing boundaries. I don't always know how to handle the attention or how to keep from spilling my life story before I realize it. I'm inexperienced in this area and when I'm nervous I smile, giggle, and while I will often obtain the outcome that I'm after (like declining an invitation) I can't help but feel I'm sending them mixed messages. I find it hard to think fast on my feet when someone asks me out or invites me to a party with activities I know I don't wish to take part in. Can you suggest some tactful polite ways to turn down the offers that are not along the path I wish to take? Aging gracefully, Debra Jan's Response: Dear Debra, I commend you on wanting to be true to yourself! When you receive offers you don't want to say yes to, I suggest you simply tell the truth. If you feel nervous, take a deep breath. You don't have to think fast on your feet ... just get more comfortable breathing, thinking, and responding when you're ready. Accepting what is and getting comfortable, as it turns out, is your path to thinking faster on your feet and synchronizing the messages you send out. :) You might want to look at WHY you get nervous. When you really, really know who you are independent of the attention, I think you'll be less nervous and have the presence of mind to think quickly and respond in a cohesive way, without spilling your life story before you realize it. Sometimes when we're hungry for attention, we get nervous and seize the opportunity to share our story, even when we're not interested in more with the person who's showing us attention. Try to keep in mind that you can be friendly without committing to a "date." See the person in front of you as a person and not just a prospective partner. That might be enough for you to make a shift from giggling and mixed messages. :) You're on a beautiful path. Trust that ... and don't get anxious. Should I drop her? I have been dating a woman since October 2008. She is wonderful when not drinking, but about two times a week she gets feeling pretty good and sometimes gets very testy. I let her know my feelings about the drinking. She now makes it clear if she is drinking with friends that she "only had one beer or wine." And recently we got engaged. A few weeks ago, I found that just in the past three weeks, she signed up for an on-line dating service. She says she loves me and has had men in the past lie to her — her husband left her for a younger woman. She has trust issues. Should I drop her? Bill Jan's Response: Dear Bill, Your fiance may try to justify her actions by saying that men have lied to her, but I think there's more to it than that. If she doesn't trust you, then why is she engaged to you ... and if you can't trust her, why marry her? Trust issues stem from insecurity — not being able to trust yourself — as well as experience. And, when somebody is addicted to alcohol, their survival feels threatened when they're asked to give it up. You might want to talk to her and find out if she's truly cut down to "one beer or wine." Maybe what she's really doing is looking for a man who will tolerate her drinking. My short answer to your question is "yes," unless you're able to talk matters through to your satisfaction. Write a letter for closure or not?... I want to run something by you. A good friend of mine suggested something, but I'm sot sure about it. She said I should write a letter to Robert telling him my feelings — all of them. Not an email — too impersonal, but rather a personal letter hand written. Once and for all, knowing the friendship (except for work) is over, I can now do this for closure and then move on. I agree with her in some ways, because I keep feeling that he should know that I matter, and that his behavior is deplorable. He may have good manners, but I'd rather have a guy who may not open the car door for me every time, but who does not lie and cheat. What I'm trying to say is it could be a good thing for me, even to just write a lot of feelings down — even if I never send them. But what seems to be happening, is every time I write things down, I get mad all over again. All riled up. Perhaps just letting go (which is hard) is better. What do you think about the letter? Love you, Rita Jan's Response: Hi Rita, ... I think he knows you matter and that his behavior is "deplorable." I think you have to ask yourself why you have a need to tell him. You know you matter. I think your wanting to make sure he knows comes from insecurity/fear. That said, I'm always in favor of writing your feelings down. In fact, you could try writing them down until you're able to come from love, without getting angry! Then, if you want to send the letter, it might actually help him. Love would try to help him, not make him wrong. :) Black and white dots... Good piece, thank you for sharing. It brings up something that has bothered me of late, so thank you for an opportunity to respond: I am proud as an American to have a person of color in the white house. But frankly, I think this race issue is quite over-scrutinized. My conservative friends are not racists — they wouldn't be my friends if they were. In my opinion the race topic is one emphasized by our media in an effort to further villainize the political right. Unity despite racial differences is not nearly as difficult to achieve, this day, as unity despite political differences. It wouldn't matter to me were our new president of any race, ethnicity or religion, if I shared her/her political views. No matter the color of Barack Obama, I disagree with his economic politics to such an extent, I could never "jump on board." Some may say I am failing to stand behind our newly elected president, but last time I checked, I was living in America that was founded as a place where political and religious differences could be freely expressed. All I ask is let's please not confuse a lack of political unity with a lack of racial unity. Jan's Response: Great thoughts ... and point well made! I'd like to think that just as we can achieve racial unity without changing the color of anybody's skin that we can also achieve political and religious unity without changing the color of anybody's politics or religion. I'm an optimist, I know. But it seems to me that we're in trouble unless we can find the kind of unity that transcends differences. Oh, wait ... we're already in some kind of trouble, aren't we? :) By the way, I'm registered to vote with no party affiliation, used to be registered as a republican, and given the chance to vote for a libertarian with a shot at winning, I just might take it. :) I'm thinking that we all need to claim the new president, though, if we're to keep from going off the proverbial deep end. Reserve girl?... Dear Jan, I met this guy more than a year ago and we've been good friends. When I met him, he had a girlfriend but they broke up. We were neighbors and our parents are very good friends. Months passed by and I just realized that I was falling for him. We were dating and everything was okay with us. One time we were at the movies and he kissed me, I thought that was the beginning of our good relationship but I was wrong. After a few weeks we don’t talk anymore but I don’t know why. I sent him several text messages and called him to find out but there’s no answer at all. That's why I stopped bothering him. It puzzled me because he didn't say anything. No explanations and he just dumped me. But we still see each other because I often go and visit his mom in their house coz she always asked me to come over. Months have passed and I just realized that he and his girlfriend were together again. So I just thought and concluded that probably that’s the reason he stopped seeing me but he should have told me. That hurts me a lot and in order for me to forget him, I started to date someone else. But I can’t lie to myself, I still love him after all that happened. Suddenly, a time came that my mom needs to go back to our country because my grandma is very ill. She left me with them because I needed to stay in school. I wasn't expecting him to talk to me one night. He told me everything that he wanted to say. He explained why he just left me without saying anything. Before that conversation, I was trying to avoid him coz I wanted to move on and just forget the past but he begged me to talk to him. He told me that he left because he realized that he is not the right guy for me. He said that I am too nice for him that he doesn't want to mess up with me that’s why he chose to avoid me but he didn't regret those times that we were together. He likes me so much but he doesn't want to hurt my feeling that’s why he did that. He asked me what I was thinking but I didn't say anything. I just whispered in his ear that I love him. He couldn't believe what he heard because his girlfriend hadn't said those words to him before. After that conversation he kissed me again and again, and I realized my tears were falling on my cheeks. He hugged me so tight and whispered to me that he missed me so much. I didn't sleep that whole night after we talked. Days went by and another night came that we talked. He kissed me and followed me inside the room. We had sex and slept together. I let that happen because I didn't want to lose him and I wanted to let him know how much I loved him. After a week, we had sex again. I am not sure if his parents were aware of it but I have a feeling that they know. It’s okay for them I guess because they like me so much for their son. Especially his mother because she talked to my mom many times about me and her son, they want us to be together. Since my mom came back, we haven’t had any conversation but he sent me a message asking me how I was doing. He told me that he can’t forget those two nights we spent together. Then he came to our house one day and we had sex again. After that we didn't talk again and no text messages. Well, I concluded that he was just playing with me and all he wants is only sex. I tried to move on again and avoid him. Another month went by and I was surprised because he sent me a message asking an apology for everything he has done that hurt me. He said that he has been sick for a month or so and that I am too good of a person that he can’t get me out of his head. Of course I forgave him then we had sex again. After that day, I haven’t heard anything from him again. My friend told me that probably I am just his reserve. He’s just taking me for granted because he knows that I love him so much. I don’t know what to do now. Coz I love him so much that I can’t just easily give him up. Can you please advise me? Reserve Girl Jan's Response: Dear Friend, I understand how you feel. Don't personalize your friend's behavior. He might be using you; he might be lying to you. Maybe he's just not ready to settle down yet. But his behavior doesn't make you any more or any less of a person. Move on with your life and take good care of you. Respect yourself for who you are — that means taking the time to know who you are INSIDE. Be happy! Create the life you want! And the next time he contacts you, explain that you know how much you have to offer, and that you don't want to be taken for granted. Sometimes we fall in love with who we think somebody is, or who we want him to be. Maybe your friend has demonstrated with his behavior that he's not really somebody you want to partner with. We're always choosing between love and fear... Hi Jan, I have been hearing from Joe again, and we went to one movie. I won't call him or ask him over — I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid or just learning not to be anxious and expect too much. I've explained to him that I don't want to date him if he's just taking a break from "her." I've been hurt many times and I don't want to go through it again. Take good care. Love you, Mattie Jan's Response: Hi, Mattie, Sometimes it's difficult for us to know if we're coming from fear or love, Look on page 194 of Innately Good at the lists of love and fear when you're not sure. Sometimes we call out of fear; sometimes we don't call out of fear. :) Another thing to think about — what would you do if you and Joe were starting with a clean slate (touched on that in January's newsletter)? And, of course, what would you choose if you couldn't fail? Is it the same now as it used to be? Would you choose Joe or somebody else? No wrong answer, of course. Caller ID, filtering device... Hey Jan, Why do women use a phone — caller ID — as a filtering device? I telephoned Darlene four times after our first date on her cell phone; three times she would have seen missed call and once I left a message. I called Mindy, the woman who introduced me to Darlene, twice and left messages both times. Neither has called me back. No wonder men end up being jerks. Thanks, and I love your column. Jeff Jan's Response: Sometimes women (and men) don't have the guts to face uncomfortable, awkward, or intimidating situations in a straightforward manner. Sometimes they, understandably, want time to think about what to say before getting into a conversation. Sometimes they're just busy, so they don't pick up the phone. In any case, regardless of one's level of interest, returning a phone call is common courtesy. I'd go for somebody polite! You're not responsible for anybody else's behavior. Only yours! And you'll attract somebody worthy of it — whether you're a nice guy or a jerk. Help: My man has major defenses up... Hello Jan, I recently read an article written by you on creators.com entitled Drop Defenses to Let Love In. It was great and gave me a lot of insight on how to drop defenses, but my issue is that I am currently dating a man with the greatest wall up since the wall of China! I just need a little advice as to how to help bring this wall down before I throw my hands in the air and completely give up. To give you a little background, he has been deeply wounded by two past relationships and has referenced the fact that getting into a close loving relationship is a waste of time because eventually it goes sour and someone gets hurt. We have been dating for about two months and I think he's a great person, but it's an emotional roller coaster sometimes. He gets close and then pulls away and I don't know how to handle it. The worst part is that I can see how much love he has in him to give. He's extremely considerate and always takes care of me and everyone around him, but when it comes to getting serious he hides behind his family stating that that's his number one priority. He's 34, and I feel that he needs to realize that his sisters, nieces/nephews, and mother all have their own life and sooner or later he's going to have to do the same. He's not entirely open to talking about this either. Can you please tell me what I can do to help the situation? Thank you in advance of your time and advice. Dorice Jan's Response: Dear Dorice, Thanks for reading my weekly column ... and for sharing a piece of your heart with me! Two months is a relatively short time for somebody who has been deeply hurt. When he pulls away, let him. When he "hides" behind his family, let him. Communicate your feelings, but do it without pushing him or making him wrong. And don't cling. He can't have a healthy relationship until he wants to ... and that means being willing to risk some pain. It also means loving himself enough that he doesn't personalize rejection, or somebody else's preferences! You can try to give him a safe place to get to know and accept himself. Live your own best life. And encourage him to live his — whether or not it includes you. If you find enough common ground to share a life, great. If you don't, that's great, too. Focus on yourself. Learn what you can about you — the best way to have a healthy relationship is to have a healthy you. Don't concern yourself too much with whether you'll have the relationship with him or somebody else. When you're really healthy and happy with self, if he's not, you'll move on ... and it will happen naturally with no animosity (at least not on your part). My sincere thanks to each of you for your prayers and good wishes! Jan, as I read your newsletter I got goose bumps instantly throughout. The love you and your Dad have is absolutely beautiful and it really hit me. I will keep him and you and your family in my prayers. Deanna Hi Jan, I am so sorry to hear about your father's illness, yet even in these trying times, you manage to spread excellent advice to your readers. I loved the paragraph in your article that stated, "When you feel loved just the way you are, even when you've just fallen on your butt, it's easier to get up and try again. It's almost as though you have a clean slate with no black marks against you. And when you are able to love somebody (including yourself) unconditionally, you give them a fresh start." These are truly words of wisdom. I had a very difficult time learning to love myself in order to give myself a fresh start — in fact, it took me almost 3 years after my divorce before I could dig myself out of the hole I had been living in. I had no parents to turn to, but my brother Virgil, along with his wife Deb, helped me find the way to a better life. They saw me fail miserably several times when starting out on my own again, but supported me, both financially and emotionally, and gave me great advice on how to turn things around. They took on the role of parents, even though they didn't have to. For that, I will always hold them dear to my heart. (I sent them a copy of this email because it's sometimes difficult for me to express these feelings verbally.) I will pray for your father, as well as for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you have touched my heart, once again. Take care, Katy Work "naked"... Hi Jan, I moved from Social Services (non-profit) to Corporate two years ago. It's been an extremely difficult transition as I've always lived my life "naked" and it puts me at a disadvantage in the corporate setting. The competition and dog-eat-dog mentality really hurts my spirit. Do you have any words of encouragement or advice for me? Thanks, Leslie Jan's Response: Hi Leslie, What a great question! It's easier to live, and work, "naked" with others who are good at it. But learning to be "naked" with those who aren't good at it is a wonderful opportunity to grow. The same people who have the competitive dog-eat-dog mentality become our "teachers," in the sense that they can trigger our egos and "tempt" us to respond in kind. Of course, we don't have to; we learn not to by tapping into our true selves and making a distinction between that and our ego. Hope that makes sense. This learning can, indeed, be draining! :) And we want to feel our spirits, not drain them. We also want to grow. It's a balancing act ... the most beautiful dance of life. Okay, here are my encouraging words: Find joy in the learning, knowing that it serves your highest good ... and that you can set a meaningful example for people who are finding their way. But, don't drain your spirit. I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities to grow elsewhere. If you don't really want to work in the corporate world, follow your bliss right out of it. Trust that being true to yourself will lead you in a positive direction, the most positive direction there is for you. I hope that helps! P.S. I think my new book "Innately Good: Dispelling the Myth That You're Not" would really resonate with you. Cheating husband... Four years ago my husband was having an affair, which he denied. However, he had hickies on his penis and lip and scratches on his back. We made up and things got better. Last December, we went on vacation and there was a young woman whom he couldn't take his eyes off. He seems to be doing better. My question is - why did he lie about the affair and why does he long for a younger woman? He says, who wouldn't like to look at a young body. He is 68 and I am 67 and in good shape. Please reply. Jan's Response: Chances are, your husband lied about the affair because he was afraid of the truth — maybe afraid to hurt you, afraid to lose you, or afraid to look like a jerk. And he's biologically programmed to look at younger women — and breed them — it used to mean survival of a man's genes. Don't personalize it. Do help him to understand why he does it. :) That could help both of you take it less seriously; it might even help him to stop! You could give him a copy of my book Naked Relationships: Sharing Your Authentic Self to Find the Partner of Your Dreams. It's in there. Finding the partner of your dreams can mean learning to be the partner of your own dreams with the partner you already have. Confused about sex... Hello Jan, First I would like to say I really enjoy reading your column, and I've been reading some of them almost every day. I am writing to you because my marriage is just about to crumble. We just had our 23rd anniversary, and as each year passes we are less and less in love. The past two years have kicked our butts. We're being sued, one son turned to drugs, one son was in a car wreck and now he can't work, our daughter might have won the battle with cancer. Our relationship is more like two people who live in the same house. We don't have anything to say to each other. I'm a very happy go lucky guy, I always think things will get better. After all these years ... I was wrong. When we first got married, sex was ok. I thought as our marriage grows sex will improve. Wrong ... those first years were as good as it gets. She's even told me she could do without it. Maybe its just me, or bad timing, but when I ask for sex I'm told no. There is always an excuse, the kids might wake up, or if we shut the door they will know what we're doing, or what if we have the house to ourselves and one of the boys comes home. Another one is, it's summer it's too hot, this is winter it's too cold. You get the picture. For the past few years she has said we make lousy husband and wife, but I feel we would be great friends. You can see why I'm confused. Jan, thank you for your time. Ron Jan's Response: Thank you for reading my column — I'm very glad you enjoy it. It sounds as though you and your wife could use a fresh start. I'd love to help you with a series of consultations or an intimate retreat designed especially for you here at "Gleneden." It's difficult — okay, virtually impossible — for two people who don't feel healthy and happy to have a relationship that does feel healthy and happy. You need to take the time to get to know and love yourselves as well as each other. It's easy for two people to lose sight of who they are when they're caught up in the busyness of life and the affairs of their children. Sex is intended to be a natural expression of love. I don't recommend making a point of having sex — that can seem very contrived — but I do recommend making a point of making time for sex. Often, couples simply don't allow enough quality time with each other for the affection to start, let alone lead to sex. Excuses are just that — excuses. I believe in being totally "naked," or honest, with each other. That's the only way to get to know each other and grow intimacy. So, you might start with honest communication about your confusion and desire for sex ... and ask your wife to be as open with the truth as she can. I hope that's helpful. I'll be happy to answer specific questions if you have them ... but I'll be even happier to schedule a time to meet with you. I know I can be helpful that way! :) Living in hell or paradise?... Dear Jan, I have never written anyone for advice, but I am desperate. I hope you can help me. I am married to a wonderful man, I have two bonus (step) children that I love just as dearly and would do anything for. So what is my problem. I HATE where we moved. We met in Florida ( I wasn't too fond of Florida) seven years ago we have been married for four. He retired from the military and was offered a great job with a company that will never have lay offs, and will never close, and his pay is great; there is also a pension program. The problem with this city (he grew up not far from here)? It is so unfriendly (no not New York), crime ridden, and filled with alcoholics and people that dump trash everywhere. Jan I grew up in Detroit, so20I have seen my share of trash dumping and crime, but not on this level. I am also sick of the weather, it is either hot and dry or hotter and dryer. Additionally, after four years of living here I have made no friends. I have had two jobs, and still was unsuccessful at finding friendship. We are atheists so meeting someone at church is not an option. We have been through several on line meet up groups also. I am now a stay at home mother (two months). I find myself crying more often than not. I literally sit in front of the television everyday, because I have no one to talk to except my husband and my children. I find myself being overly critical of things that used to just roll off me. As much as I love my husband I need friends, females to shop with, lunch with, and all those other girl things. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but he seems to think I am depressed. After my first time trying to talk to him, he suggested the depression thing and said I should get on anti-depressants. Well I went on them ( for 18 months). We also went to counseling (his suggestion). We were seen for four sessions and the counselor told us "We had no problems and we really didn't need her". The only benefit I got from pills was a very mellow personality and 37 extra pounds on a body that couldn't use it. I have often heard him tell me that he knows of other=2 0woman whose husbands he works with say they hated this place at first, ended up on anti-depressants and wala ten years later they love it. I don't want to end up feeling like this for the next six years! He said he doesn't want to chance making a move on the chance that I may not like it there either, and losing such a good job. Divorce is not an option. I love him dearly. I love my children and have made a commitment to my husband and children for better or worse, and it would crush my boys to see another female walk out on them. By the way I am not an unfriendly person. Any suggestions? You can sign me This is not the land of enchantment Jan's Response: Dear This is not the land of enchantment, I think I understand how you feel ... and I'm sorry you're hurting. My suggestion might sound trite, but I have to make it anyway. Paradise, when we find it, is always within. And, perhaps you've heard the expression, as within so without. When you truly find the love within, you have found everything good ... and you see it outside yourself as well. I know you said you were atheists, and I'm not asking you to believe in God here, just goodness. And you believe in that. :) To add a little credibility, Viktor Frankl (Holocaust survivor) said, "The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance." That said, I don't really believe in choosing to live in a geographical "hell." I understand, though, that your husband might not feel as though he has a choice right now. So, as a practical matter, I suggest you find peace within. There are many wonderful books to choose from. Choose one that fits your belief system, but please don't be afraid to find the good in a book written by somebody with a different belief system. Take what resonates with you. Leave the rest. Some of my favorite authors: Karen Armstrong, Elaine Pagels, don Miguel Ruiz, Deepak Chopra, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Harville Hendrix, Christiane Northrup. And the book I'm reading now is "Younger Next Year." Also, sign up for my newsletter. I understand that you want friends/people. I'm suggesting, though, that if you find peace within, you'll also find friends and whatever else you're looking for. And in the meantime, you'll be learning and growing. The only way to be happy is to be true to yourself; and the only way to be unhappy is to be untrue to yourself. Be true to yourself. Get to know you ... by spending quality one-on-one time with you the way you would with anybody else you wanted to get to know. Then, you have a better idea of how to be true to you, your essence, your values. You're going to love you! And when you do, everything else — including the dreadful place--will seem better. I promise. You don't have to believe me ... but maybe you'll at least try to prove me wrong. That'll work. :) From one of my most thought provoking readers... At the Hip I have three things going. The simple understanding of my infatuation For beauty, Our mutual understanding for words And their essence, and how we create beauty Out of the smoke of our licenses, But there is more to this. I don't know how to tell you that my life is not so easily enclosed in a promise I am more than the barrier of my skin I am free-flowing desire to conquer what I lust, To estrange this hunger To take what takes me Into a thousand unseemly longings. For I want what comes from us To be shared with what comes from someone else On the surface, just on the surface To go no more deeply than to know that in my selfishness I will be lonely. That is how I predict the end of my life Sad and avoidable And yet I see even now the smile that will slay me, That will draw me away from you, Except that it will only be a part of me, Never the whole plan, for what we are is the same basic structure At the hip of our minds – We want and need passion. — Mario Savioni In response to "I pray you if you love me, bear my joy" by Edna St. Vincent Millay Jan Denise wrote: When you share less than all of you, it's because you know — or accept — less than all of you. And that's not just cheating your partner, that's cheating yourself. Lukewarm men... It would be nice if someone would expand on the truth about the nice guy-bad boy persona. All men are led by their core. Their core can be well defined or poorly defined. If a man's core is well defined he will attract women who live life from their heart. It it's poorly defined he will have to settle for what's left — it is now and always will be — the best women are attracted to the men with the strongest convictions. Please set the captives free. Free Man Jan's Response: Dear Free Man, if you're saying that men who are aligned with their core, which I perceive to be love, attract the women who are most aligned with love, I agree. And, I think that's a significant thread running through my work. Perhaps I'll find still another angle to say it in a column. :) Satisfaction... Thank you for reading my work and sharing your heart with me. Nobody else can really make you happy. I don't have enough information to know if you can ever be satisfied with him ... but I do know that it's unlikely to happen unless you start investing in the relationship again. :) I'm not sure exactly what you mean by passionate, especially since you said that you have attraction, but you can work on it together ... and get meaningful results, particularly if your partner wants to be more passionate. And you can also try on each other's interests and learn to appreciate them, maybe even enjoy them. In doing so, you understand each other better AND broaden your horizons. I would love an opportunity to help you with either a one-on-one consultation or a retreat just for the two of you. Short of that, feel free to e-mail me ... and perhaps you'll read my book Naked Relationships. It spells out much of what you read in my weekly newspaper column on Creators.com. And you and your partner could read it together and talk about it. Tough to walk away... Thank you for spending so much time with me on Friday, I left feeling somewhat empowered but the feeling was short-lived. Is it wrong for me to want some sort of closure, to see him, look him in the eye and ask a number of questions that I don't feel he has been honest about, concerning his feelings for me? I know it is unhealthy, wrong to hope for what will inevitably be the same outcome ... I just think it would be easier for me to walk away knowing we at least tried to fix what broke together. Am I messed up or what? Rebecca Jan's Response: Rebecca, Please know that I understand ... but, :) you can't try to "fix what broke together" while he is with her. Can you take that and run with it? It's easy to think "if only" he had done this or I had said that or we had tried harder. But that "if only" is bigger than it seems. Often two people would have to be different people, than they are, to pull it off! I hope that makes sense. I'm trying to keep it simple. You and I are deep enough and intelligent enough to explore the nuances ... and I believe that can be very meaningful. We might want to do it again to learn from it. But when we're trying to move forward, sometimes it's very helpful to hold on to what we know is rock solid, so as not to talk ourselves into something or justify what might feel good for the moment. Why sell all that you have?... In trying to learn more about love, this is one of the stories I've come across. A very wealthy man came to Jesus one day and said, "Master I have kept the Laws of Moses all my life and I believe you are the great one sent by God. I want to follow you where ever you go." Jesus looked at the man and said, "Well done, there is one more thing I would have you do. Sell all you have and give the money to the poor, then come follow me." The man turned from Jesus and walked away because he had great wealth. This is a hard story. What it uncovers is the lack of the greatest love which is sacrificial love. This man was self-centered and made the choice to stay that way. What do you think about sacrificial love? Do you teach sacrificial love? Love, Miki Jan's Response: Miki, I don't use the term sacrificial love ... if I were to use it now, I'd want to define it, only to prevent misunderstanding. Let me say this: I think that the man used his wealth to define himself or prove his worth. Giving up the wealth (not because wealth keeps us from love, but because clinging to wealth keeps us from love) would have meant finding his true worth inside. What he was really clinging to was ego. The kingdom is within (Jesus also said that) ... and that's what Jesus wanted the man to find. Jesus likened the kingdom to a pearl of great price ... he said when you find that pearl, sell all that you have and buy it. I could write a book here, but ... Throw in the towel?... I ran across one of your articles and loved it! I need some advice on a relationship and have searched for a problem similar to mine and cannot find an answer. Can you help me? Me: 48 year old independent professional woman — divorced for 10 years, dated guys casually, on my terms and didn't give too many guys a chance. Him: Met 50 year old man about 18 months ago. He has been married 2 times. When I met him, he said that he had just come out of a two year relationship and was not ready for another one. That was fine with me. He said he is not a womanizer and doesn't play games. There was instant attraction, tons of compatibility, same family values, hobbies, laughter, fun and he is great to be around. He called me several times a day just to chat and we started seeing each other a lot. I would go to his house a few times a week, the sex was great. I noticed that although we kissed and messed around — he was not into holding, cuddling and such. I never said anything at first. We never fight about anything except for his not hugging, kissing (he stopped the kissing) and holding me. I would tell him that he was emotionally empty. He says that every time he would lay his heart down that it would get stepped on and it's easier to keep the walls up. This makes me crazy!!! Should I wait him out and hope he unthaws or throw in the towel? I've read many books and can't find any answers. Please help me! Nicole Jan's Response:Dear Nicole, Thank you for reading my weekly column and sharing your heart with me. Yes, I can help. :) Let go! Be content to let him do what he wants to do...trust that he knows what he wants, or at least what he's ready for. And stop being crazy. It's a choice. :) He/the situation doesn't really make you crazy. Your response does. There's no guarantee that when he "unthaws," he'll decide to commit to the satisfying relationship you want. AND I think your best shot at his letting go (or unthawing) is your letting go. That's the way it works. :) If this resonates and you want help implementing my suggestion, I'll be happy to consult with you (by phone). Another thing you might do (for his sake) is suggest counseling to him. I think he'd find it very helpful — but only if he wants to be helped. How do we get naked?... I have enjoyed reading Naked Relationships. Very good and so easy to read. Here is the BUT...you say we should "get naked" — how? How do we get naked?? How do we love ourselves??? Could you write me and give me some insight. Maybe I simply missed something — I am starting to read again, but some leading would be great. Thank you, Carson Jan's Response: Thank you for Reading "Naked Relationships" and for taking the time to write. In thinking about getting naked, sometimes we don't know where to start and where to stop — we don't know what's part of who we really are and what's part of the mask or facade we've designed to be acceptable. It can be easier to think in terms of going within to find your nakedness, almost bypassing what's outside to get to the core. Hope that makes sense to you. I think it helps to do it in solitude, spend time with yourself the way you would spend time with an important person in your life that you wanted to get to know. Once you get to know yourself, you will love yourself! Loving is the easy part! :) Even "justified" insecurity is insecurity... I'm married for 7 years with a loving husband and have a wonderful 3 yr old son. we're both in our 30s. Is it wrong to feel insecure with my husband giving "too" much attention to my cousin who's a young girl aged 22? I don’t even really know that the attention is really TOO much. We have a small home business and I asked this cousin to help us while staying with us. She is also working 7 days a week and staying with us will help her lessen her transportation expenses since her work area is very much near us. I notice that they have become closer now especially that they have many things they share and like. I'm just not comfortable that my husband has been calling her cell phone and vice versa. They also go to eat together outside and spend some time at the mall shopping. My cousin is also very much comfortable sharing secrets of past and present relationships and her daily activities as well with my husband. My feelings of insecurity just started because my mother-in-law noticed this closeness too. I have talked about this with my husband and he reassures me it is really nothing. I know he loves me dearly but why do I feel this way? Jan's Response: We all have unconscious feelings of insecurity — until we've identified them and healed them. So, it's understandable that your husband's interaction with your young cousin triggered some insecurity. And it's commendable that you've talked with your husband about your feelings and the situation, and that you're not just blaming him for how you feel! That said, the interaction doesn't sound like "nothing" to me. While I don't want to inflate its importance, I think an awareness on your part and on his of what's happening, or could happen, is wise. There are two people involved...and your cousin could develop a "crush," even if it did seem like "nothing" to your husband. I also think their time spent together is relative to his time spent with you. How much time do you and your husband spend together? How much time have you spent getting to know each other...lately? Now, something to keep in mind: You can feel good about yourself regardless of how your husband spends his time. Make sure you take the time to get to know and love who you are. Feeling the insecurity is an opportunity to look at it, so you can heal it. Please feel free to e-mail me again or call me if you're interested in one-on-one consultation.. Letting go of what's not really there... I'm 31 but feeling a lot younger. I'm a painter and illustrator I also have an art workshop for kids. Most of my friends are involved in music and art. They, as well as me, are moving around, often hanging out and falling in love with younger people. This happened to me last year, I fell hard for a person around four years younger than me and I had a lot of doubts about the relationship because of my expectations (having kids while in my thirties, maybe getting married, etc.). Of course I talked to him and he dealt with it by slowly slipping away and one day just stopped calling. I was confused because I had no idea what had happened. He later told me he did not want to deal with those things yet. It was hard to accept but I did...half heartedly. We kept in contact and chatted and went out for lunches or dinners. I still felt a strong attraction to him and wanted the friendship to become what it had been at the beginning. This went on for about three months. In the while I met a man my age, sweet, good hearted, hard working and totally in love with me. I started going out with him ...halfheartedly. I still thought about the other guy ALOT. I knew it would never grow into what I wanted it to but didn't want to lose hope. Recently I have been going out with the "nice guy" and have been slowly falling in love with him. I knew I should stop thinking about the younger guy if I wanted my new relationship to evolve, but my attraction to the other guy was HUGE! Yesterday I saw the younger guy and I knew I was just cheating myself. Nothing was going to happen there and I did not want to loose or miss out on what I have with the "nice guy" So I talked to the young guy and he agreed that our "thing" was going to go nowhere. On one hand I felt a big relief partly because I knew I was going to give my new relationship a chance to grow, but on the other hand I feel a HUGE loss because I know I have to stop talking or seeing to the other guy for a while until I can get detached. I think that's the best thing to do, what do you think? Linda Jan's Response: Dear Linda, I think you're right — it's wise to quit seeing your "young friend" from whom you want more than friendship. That doesn't mean that the relationship with the "nice guy" is what you're looking for; but at least you'll be giving it a fair chance. Apparently, it's clear to you and the "young friend" that what you want is NOT available with him. I'm sure there's something to learn from the relationship with the "young friend," though; and if you can learn it, you'll be better prepared for all of what you truly want in a relationship. That's the way life works. :-) We move on to what we're ready for (with the same person or somebody else). You might take some time to think about what you wanted with the "young friend" versus what you really had with him. Why make excuses?... Why do people, women in particular, use excuses when they don't want to do something? I asked a woman to coffee the other morning and got this list of what she had to do. She said, after dropping off my daughter at school I've got to run back home and do some laundry, I have to run by Big O and get my lugs retightened from the tires being rotated yesterday, and several other things. She didn't have to be at work till 11:30. A person can always find time to do what they want to do. Thanks, Mac Jan's Response: Dear Mac, I think people, particularly women, make excuses because they get nervous, don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, want to maintain rapport, keep their options open. People have a tough time being totally honest, or simply aware of their thought processes, let alone opening up in a naked way to others — particularly in what might be an uneasy situation for them. Good question. Not meeting, not dating... I am 54 and divorced in 1998. I have not had a serious relationship or sex since 1996. I have been to all types of single groups and of course night clubs which I am not into and haven't been for awhile. I have my own business, am funny and fairly attractive. I have not attracted that many men. Most women seem to meet and date all the time. So what is up with all this? — Deborah Jan's Response: Dear Deborah, Sometimes what seems to be is not. :) Maybe other women don't meet and date as much as you might think. If you want to meet men, it's fairly easy to do that. Introduce yourself to them — get in the habit of doing it, not just with men you might be interested in, with a variety of men. Let the dating take care of itself. And do what you love to do. You want to feel enlivened; and you want to introduce the enlivened you to others. Sparkle is what makes us attractive. Get to know and love you. If you're looking for something more specific, please give me a more specific question. :) Eat less and be more satisfied... I will begin by saying that I wholeheartedly agree with you about using food inappropriately. The overfat and unfit state of health in this country is a terrible drain on the healthcare system and a major contributor to emotional un-wellness. However, I have to take exception to the attitude of the letter writer. First of all, he was at a buffet. If he's so concerned about eating healthfully and looking good, why was he in a place where you can eat as much as you can fit down your gullet? Did he expect to see nothing but nubile, young vixens in that establishment? Is he upset because he can't find an attractive woman who will have him? If he's in a relationship, why does he care what other women look like? If he's in a relationship, does he expect that his SO will stay young, healthy and slim forever? What actually constitutes being fat for him? I know lots of guys who look at normal, athletic women and think they're fat, because they can't see every bone! There are a lot of unanswered questions about this person. I agree that most people don't find extra fat attractive, myself included, but I have dated chubby guys and have had a great time with them. My current boyfriend is tall and slim, but he has a little extra in the middle. I accept it because I love him, but I try not to encourage him to maintain bad habits like drinking soda and eating fried food. My point is, when you criticize someone, it can say as much or more about you than it does about your target. In this case, all he accomplished was to say "I'm shallow and conceited, so be grateful that you're not my girlfriend." Thank you for a great column. :) Jan's response: I love your point (when you criticize someone, it can say as much or more about you than it does about your target)! The male reader's attitude would have been easy to criticize. That wasn't my intention (but I have tried to help him). It was my intention to take what was valuable from his perspective and pass it on. I feel like you "got" what I wanted to share — despite your opinion of the source — without being defensive. And that feels really good to me. I hope it does to you, too. :) Compliment or slap in the face?... I completely agree with your assessment on whether the fellow's comments were intended as a compliment or not. This woman obviously overreacted by slapping this man, regardless of how she took his comments. I think you missed an opportunity to help him out for future reference. What was he thinking that after 30 minutes of conversation with a stranger, he felt empowered to discuss her figure with her? I would have been highly offended by his comments, not because I agree or disagree with his assessment, but because who does he think I am that he can have that type of discussion with me after such a brief introduction? Who does he think he is that he can burden any woman, in an art gallery no less, with the management of his crass and unsolicited "examination of the merchandise" summaries? My advice to him is that when he appreciates something physical about a woman he has just met that he stick to compliments along the lines of, "I find you amazingly attractive." Better yet, I'd let the light in his eyes and smile on his face communicate that he appreciates what he sees if he really wants to get to know me better. Otherwise, it would come across to me as though he was going for a pick up. I, for one, cannot be had simply for the asking and would want to slap his face, too, though I would never do that! Another opinion from NYC. Cheers, Debora Jan's response: Dear Debora, Great feedback! Thank you for reading my column and taking the time to write! I'd love to share your perspective on my web site — in part, because it's different from mine. May I? I love a compliment — about my hair, my eyes, my mind, my figure. And I don't think it's ever occurred to me that somebody might think I could be had for a compliment. But, hey, light in the eyes and smiles are tough to beat! :) On that note, again, great feedback! I appreciate your thinking and your ability to articulate it! Debora's response: I enjoy reading your column at www.creators.com. I feel as though you and other columnists are modern-day "griots" that help set culture and values for our "village." Please feel free to use my comments and keep up the great work! Being excluded...hurt feelings... I have a question about family dynamics. My mom who is 81 and my two sisters, one 50 one 45, are going to Vietnam in October. I'm 52. I was invited verbally when this all started a year ago but truly never was included to the travel company in Vietnam. I emailed the travel company asking them questions about the trip. He sent me an itinerary and it stated my mom's name and two daughters. I wasn't in that at all. She then wrote them that I wanted to go but didn't know how I could because I was overweight. I'm not sure how that would stop me. I do exercises 2 to 3 times a week with Pilate's. I might not want to walk in the heat for hours on hours, but I felt it should be left up to me what I can and want to do. After all, they have a car and guide. At 81 my mom isn't going to be climbing Mt. Everest. How I feel in this is they are prejudiced against me. I decided to go after I re-read what my mom wrote about me to the tour company. I know my own limitations. I decided to not go because I don't want a climate hotter than where I am in the southern U.S. I also don't want to be with those who will whine and bitch about me behind my back. This is truly changing my feelings about my mom and sisters. What are your thoughts on this? Upset daughter Jan's response: Dear Upset Daughter, I don't feel like I have enough information — what did you say when you were initially invited verbally? Have reservations actually be made? How overweight are you? I'd really like the answers in order to do my best to say something helpful. With the information I have now, I can offer you this: Yes, I think the decision should be yours. I suggest you talk to your mom and your two sisters (all together) face-to-face...and do your best to come from love. They're human like you are...and their behavior is not a reflection on you as much as it is a reflection on them. Love them anyway! :) Take responsibility for your own behavior and come from love — don't do what a resentful overweight daughter would do. Do what a self-assured, loving daughter (who understands that her mother and two sisters are probably doing the best they can do) would do. If you love them, show them how to do better (the way you might show a child how to do better). :) Know and love who you are — you are wonderful, I'm certain of that. Let them know and love who you are as well. You can make the trip together, without all wanting to do the same thing the entire time. Too good to be true?... I am struggling with the thoughts and feelings that my new marriage of just a little over a month is going to just in the blink of an eye crumble. Let me first explain. I was married previously for 11, nearly 12, years. And I was with the same man for 17 years. We didn't have the perfect marriage but we had a good marriage. Things were never really that bad — we had good communication, great intimacy and lots of fun with plenty of laughter. We adopted a baby after several years of marriage due to the fact I couldn't have children. We both wanted this child more than anything. Once we became parents life was what seemed like nothing could possibly be any better for us. Then after about another 5, almost 6, years he had an affair and left us for his mistress and married her. We, my son and I endured the worst pain imaginable. But we became stronger and came through the whole thing pretty good I think. I got us both into counseling and now two and a half years later I am remarried to a wonderful man. I never thought I could love this deep or care and trust a man again. But I actually now wonder if I ever really loved my ex husband at all. I mean now that I am with my new husband it just feels so much more like a real love. He is a wonderful father to my son, and my son adores him. The things I hated to do with my ex husband I now love doing with my new husband. My problem is I wonder if there is such a thing as too good to be true. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I keep thinking that one day soon I am going to be faced with it all crumbling beneath my feet. I have so many fears, that he will get killed, or meet someone who makes him happier. My life right now is more perfect than I ever dreamed possible. With the exception that I sometimes get anxiety flare ups that it is all going to end. I have talked to my new husband about this and he always tried to reassure me that everything is ok and not to worry, he is head over heels in love, that wild horses couldn't drag him away from this family we have created. Do you think I am in need of some more counseling? Or do you think I should continue to keep some kind of guard up as to prepare me for the worst? I am making myself nuts with these fears. Please help me figure out my problem. Thanks. T. in Colorado Jan's response: Dear T. in Colorado, Real happiness is not contingent on anybody or anything outside ourselves. If your happiness is well-founded, it is not too good to be true. If it is well-founded, it is based on the truth — or love. The truth is part of love; there is no deception in love. When you did your best to make sure you and your son were okay (after your first husband left), you were aligning with your core values or your essence. That's the only way to be happy. The only way to be unhappy is to deviate from who you really are (or be untrue to yourself). And as you aligned with your values (or your inner truth), you were also aligning with love (or God, because God is love). You were bound to attract somebody who was loving! I hope that helps. I would be happy to do a one-on-one consultation with you by phone. If the fear persists, please talk with somebody. There is no fear in love — you don't want to feed it and allow it to erode with you have! :) Demanding too much of grandparents?... Has being a grandparent changed? I'm a 71 year old with 3 children and 7 grandchildren (7-18 yrs. old) all in the same city. I live in a 55+ retirement park in Florida. I can never remember grandpa and grandma being expected to be overindulgent and doting. When did attendance at birthing to every athletic event become the mandatory behavior expected of grandparents? I've traveled 1,000 miles for a graduation of the oldest — I was informed I was not a grandparent and never was because I did not want to attend a 3-hour softball game for a 7 year old. A folding chair that I could sit in (because of back problems) could not be supplied. I have traveled a number of times to visit the children and grandchildren but not once have they seen my home. The grandchildren do not seem to have a problem when we visit. The daily 3 hour after school time is usually spent in front of a TV. Yes, I do talk to them and look at school papers for as long as they want to talk. Parenting has never been easy and we make decisions that are not always popular but we try. I thought as long as I had raised 3 productive, well-adjusted adults that my job was done but today that does not seem enough. The children are very unhappy with me! So when did society change, leaving me behind again? Jan's response: Dear Grandparent, I think that children (and this could apply to both your children and your grandchildren) are more assuming than they used to be. They may feel that it is your responsibility to attend more events and activities than you care to. It's not, though. You can feed the notion that it is by showing up all the time. OR you can explain — from a loving place — that you will attend when you can do so from your heart. The only way to be happy is to be true to yourself. The only way to be unhappy is to be untrue to yourself. Give them a happy grandparent! :) The best person you can be is the also the best parent and grandparent you can be. Trust that...and take care of you! Invite them to your home when you want them to visit. Teach them to love well (showing up when you want to, rather than when you feel obligated to, will help). They will need a lot of practice — and it won't always be easy for them. But it is the most important thing they can learn in life...because only by loving well, can they be true to themselves, which means being happy. To love others well, we must know them well. We must let knowledge guide our caring. And we must understand that love serves their highest good — and not necessarily their whims. I hope that helps. If you think we're on the right track, but you need help applying what I've said, please consider allowing me to help with a one-on-one consultation. Perhaps we could even do it in person, since I live in Florida. I love you, but I'm not in love with you... I look forward to your column every week but I am in need of some personal advice. "I love you but I'm not in love with you," what does it mean? After four years of a relationship that had some ups and downs, this is what he says. Doesn't want me to move out, still wants to do things together but is not "in love." I am older by a decade and AM in love. Is there nothing to be said for great companionship, satisfying sex, similar interests...is it possible to just be friends??? Or is he just trying to have the best of both worlds until he finds who or what he is looking for? Jeanie Jan's response: Dear Jeanie, Thank you for reading my column every week! Which newspaper do you read? I think the best way to find out what HE means by, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," is to ask him. Don't be afraid of his answer and try to make sure he understands that you're not judging him, and that there is no wrong answer. You're looking for the truth...and that's the best way to get it. Apparently, he does think there's something to be said for what you have — he loves you and he doesn't want you to move out. :) Yes, it is possible to be just friends...but if you want more, you may want to take some time — away from him — before you try that. You can find some columns about "just friends" on my web site. To determine if he's just trying to have "the best of both worlds," again, I would ask him. Hopefully he can be honest with himself and with you. Maybe he hasn't thought about it on a conscious level. By looking for the truth, you can help him to find it as well. What's best for you in this scenario is also what's best for him (and vice versa). You can trust that. Can love be divided?... I read your column in our newspaper each week. Your column recently released...it seems you left the definition of "cheating" up to the reader. Its meaning is not cut and dried to me. I've fallen in love three times in my life. I feel that I've never fallen out of love. I love my wife and feel we are quite happy. I also still love my ex-wife who left me 15 years ago. Additionally, I still love my first girlfriend from when we were teenagers. I no longer have any relationship with my ex-wife, but my old girlfriend and I share a loving friendship. I've heard the term polyamory used (not sure if it applies) — I truly love you, just not you exclusively. I used to think my divided heart was damaged goods. It took eight years to decide that only being able to give my wife what's left of my heart would be okay. Parents have enough love for all of their children, is this so different? Jason Jan's response: Dear Jason, Thank you for reading the column every week. And, thank you for sharing your heart with me — it's privileged territory. I shall treat it as such. Yes, I left the definition of cheating up to the reader. I don't try to dictate morality — I like to let the reader find his own truth, his own values. Generally, they're not so different from mine; but when he finds them himself, he's less apt to feel imposed on or preached to. To me cheating means betraying a commitment. A heart that loves more than one person is not damaged goods. There is enough love to go around...as you said, "Parents have enough love for all of their children." The more we love, the better we are at loving. Loving is an art that takes practice. Love is also an attitude of the heart — we have it for everybody or nobody. There are different types of love, though — self, parental, romantic. We don't have to have the same type for everybody. Only you know if your love for an old girlfriend or an ex-wife conflicts with the love you want to have for your wife. Of course, if it does, you can do something about it. I hope that helps a bit. I think you'd find more clarity in my book "Naked Relationships." You can order one from my web site. Thanks again for sharing your heart with me! Dealing with in-laws, others... Have you ever written on how to deal with ex-in-laws? I am dating a very beautiful lady that needs to communicate with her ex-in-laws. Her ex-husband cheated on her and he was abusive (mentally, physically, verbally, sexually) towards her. I need advice on how to deal with ex-in-laws. Thank you. Jan's response: No, I have not written on how to deal with ex-in-laws. In fact, I'm not sure I have written on how to deal with in-laws. Perhaps you have inspired a column. All of your relationships stem from your relationship with yourself. Know and love who you are — and you will know and understand and love others. They are not so different from you. That said, I think there are some general rules: Treat people the way you would want to be treated if you were in their place. Don't personalize other people's behavior. If they are having a bad day, it is not about you; if they are unkind, it is not about you. Be true to yourself — do what you can do from your heart. YOUR behavior is about you. Don't be a martyr — do what works for YOU and be the best person you can be. The best person you can be is also the best boyfriend, in-law, stepfather or friend you can be. I hope that helps. Regarding expectations... Jan's response: I think you live in the moment. You realize that THIS is enough, you crave nothing more, you need nothing more. You're not regretting the past or looking forward to the future. This is it. This is enough. It's like watching a gorgeous sunrise or eating a chocolate truffle...at some point, you close your eyes and just "feel" it or bask in it. You don't want to be distracted by anything or anybody; you just want to BE with it. When we are truly in the moment, that's how we feel. We're not trying to anticipate or prepare — that would take away from the spontaneity, the magic. It's like kissing or loving well...you want to be present, be in the flow. Hope that makes sense. I love your question! When bitterness replaces faith and hope... I have read your columns and many other writers for years. You all have the answer, but tell me after years of searching for that special one, what does one do when time has taken its toll and bitterness has replaced faith and hope? If you attempt to answer this question please note that I have been there and done that. Sincerely, John Romac Jan's response: Dear John, Please realize that I can only help you with an answer if you want me to. Perhaps the most challenging words we can face in trying to help somebody are, "I know that." Bitterness didn't just come along. You fed anger and it grew into bitterness. You can also feed faith and hope, and replace the bitterness. I can help; I would love to help. Behind the anger/bitterness is pain. We can look at what causes the pain and heal it. I'm not saying pretty words or espousing what I believe to be a good theory. I'm espousing what I consider to be absolute truth. :) Healing and a second chance... My wife and I had a huge fight on March 18, 2007. I scared her very much when I grabbed her on the arms and around her neck. I snapped — I was stressed out, and she ticked me off. We had some problems before this. I left the house on March 23, I called after the weekend was over, no answer, left a message, I emailed her, no response. The next day, I was served with a restraining order. I was shocked. I entered into anger stress management counseling. The next week we went to court and she was scared to death of me. She was rewarded a permanent restraining order. I love her very much and I haven't talked to her now in almost two months. Is there any hope of saving my marriage or am I just holding on to false hopes? I talked to her mother and she said she was in counseling also. I figure give her time to figure out what she wants and maybe she will give me another chance. Our two-year anniversary is coming up in a week and a half. Do you think she will call and try to reconcile with me? Her lawyer says she is very afraid. What do you recommend I do? I called the other day and left a message telling her I would like a second chance and I was sorry for what had happened and that I have changed. Thanks, Justin Jan's response: Dear Justin, I am pleased that your wife recognizes how serious your physical abuse was, and that she has taken appropriate steps. I am also pleased that she has helped you to recognize the severity of your action. If you have truly learned from what has happened and from your counseling, perhaps your wife will realize that and give you another chance. I recommend that you give her more time...and that you give yourself more time. Please talk to your counselor as well and see what he or she recommends, based on your interaction. More counseling — and some books — may be in order. No, I do not think your wife will call on your two-year anniversary and try to reconcile. Still, I believe there is hope. Please continue on the path of healing! How do you make your mom understand... I am a sophomore in high school and will be 16 in May. I am very mature for my age as so many people have told me. I am writing this letter because I have a boyfriend a few states away and he is 8 years older than me. I know most people have a problem with this and I understand why. I do love him and he respects me and loves me for who I am. I met him here two years ago when he was on vacation and have been in a relationship ever since. It's hard to be in a long distance relationship when I never get to see him. I have been trying to get my mom to let him come see me for my 16th birthday, but she has stuck with no. He won't come unless she allows it. I don't know how to get her to say yes. Any advice on how to make her feel comfortable and let him come see me? I am very open to compromises. Roni Jan's response: Dear Roni, I think I understand how you feel. Nonetheless, I respect that he won't come unless your mom allows it. My advice is to change your goal. Instead of trying "to make her feel comfortable and let him come see" you, why not make your goal to talk to your mom and arrive at the best decision for everybody involved. That goal requires that you open your mind to the possibility that your mom is exercising wisdom. Please keep in mind that I'm not saying your mom is "right," or that you are "wrong." But when we open up to the possibility that somebody else's view point is just as viable as our own, we make way for truth and wisdom. We allow the highest good for everybody to be served. Perhaps you will share my response with your mom...and the two of you can talk, with the premise that you can both learn from the other's view and reach the best decision. Cheating or not, forgiving or not... Two years ago, I believe my husband was having an affair (which he denies). In the last two years, he has been a good husband and is not so friendly with other women by hugging them when he sees them. However, I still have this feeling inside, that if he had the chance with someone who would come on to him, he would get interested in her. He likes attention. He is going to be 65 years old. I am 63. He is balding and I believe it is bothering him. He was divorced in 1978 and was a single father for a long time. We married in 1998. Maybe all this is in my head and I can't forgive him for even ever thinking about cheating on me. He states, he loves me and would never cheat. Please reply. Jan's response: If you can do it from your heart, give your husband the attention he likes. And don't begrudge him the attention that other women may want to give him, provided it's appropriate. Even when we are self-actualized, it feels good when somebody finds us attractive. Do your best to find your husband attractive and let others find him attractive. I'm not suggesting that you invite an affair. I'm suggesting that you stop being so afraid of an affair that your husband doesn't fully enjoy you and others ... I'm suggesting that letting go is the best way to avoid an affair. As for your comment, "Maybe all this is in my head and I can't forgive him for even ever thinking about cheating on me," whether it is in your head or not, you must forgive him if you want to be happy. It is easier to forgive others when we have forgiven ourselves. It is easier to forgive others when we have looked at our own strengths and weaknesses, and realized that they coexist right along side each other. Perhaps you have thought about cheating at some point in your life ... and understand that even a good person, a faithful person, can think about cheating. And maybe a good person can even make a mistake. :) There is a chapter in my book "Naked Relationships" on forgiveness. And you can also find a column or two or three on the subject on my web site. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. It is a good heart. Letting go... Kay and I have been dating for 1 year now and we love each other very much, but 3 to 4 months ago her mother felt that I was not the right person for her daughter and has since then made sure that I was not to be in the picture. She is extremely controlling and very intrusive in all her children's lives and Kay is too scared to stand up to her and declare her love for me. We have been hiding our relationship from her now for 3 months and it's making Kay feel overwhelmed and anxious with all of the lying and hiding! What can I do to help her, to help us with this problem? Or is this a situation I probably will not win as Kay has pretty much always been submissive to her mother's iron fists? Jan's response: I think the best way for you to help Kay is to let go. Give her a chance to love you honestly and openly or not at all. Give her a chance to make a decision that reflects her values, one she can respect and stand up for — without feeling pushed by you or her mother. She may not be ready to do that ... but at least you will have helped her to get one step closer. And you will have taken a step forward on your own path as well. To help her carry out deception is not really helping her. Nobody can really make somebody happy... My relationship of almost a year and a half just ended suddenly after my ex's ex came back into her life. She was my first real serious girlfriend and I cared for her dearly. Now since this was basically my first real relationship, I'm still new at the dating scene and still young (only 20). Now I wasn't abusive verbally or physically in any way, but still not a good enough boyfriend to keep her, or else she wouldn't have left me for her ex. It has almost been a week and it's been tearing me apart inside. I was the one who broke up with her because she obviously wasn't happy with me and her being with him would make her happy, so I chose to end the relationship to make her happy. I want her back more than anything. Should I try one last romantic gesture to win her back or just move on? Much love, Tom Jan's response: Dear Tom, When a relationship ends, it's not because somebody wasn't good enough! It's because two people were incompatible. Think about it: There are plenty of women out there who are beautiful and intelligent and accomplished...who don't interest you. Maybe some of them are too old, too athletic, not athletic enough, too tall, too short, too studious — you get the idea. It doesn't mean that they are not good enough; it means that they are not well-suited for you, or that they don't fit your taste. Your taste can't make them any better or worse than they are. And nobody else's taste —or readiness to move on or commit — can make you any better or worse than you are. And neither you nor your ex's ex can "make" her happy. While many people look for somebody else to make them happy, it can't really happen. They may think it's happening at first, but people will always be disappointed when their happiness is contingent on somebody else! Nonetheless, I appreciate your pain...and I've been there. Often the pain is based — at least in part — on losing what we wanted to have, not what we really had, and the agony of rejection. But again, the rejection is not something to take personally. It's not about you. It's about somebody else's preferences (which could be very different from other people's preferences) and readiness. Hope that helps. You can find some great columns on my web site about breaking up. Move at your own pace... It was really good talking to you yesterday. Thank you for fitting me into your schedule. I felt much better about things after I spoke with you (I always do). I have to share something with you, because it's kind of what we were talking about ? the thing about “what would you do if you weren't afraid?” I had a date with a guy last night. It was our third date. He's very nice, funny, intelligent and very considerate. In short, I like him and I enjoy his company. I'm attracted to him but not overly, if you know what I mean. At the end of the first date, he kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for the date. I thought that was so nice. After the second date, he kissed me and then started kissing me again (hoping for a make-out session, I think) and I kind of kissed him and said thanks for a nice time. I got a call from him the next day apologizing for “trying too hard” and saying that he just likes me. I told him no need to apologize, I'm not anti-kissing, I just think that if we jump into certain situations too quickly, things will change. He was fine with that. Last night we had a third date and there was some hugging and kissing afterward. He e-mailed me later and we had a ?conversation? about being physical and I was honest with him. I'm not real sure if he understands because then he told me that I shouldn't be afraid to take a chance. He also said that he feels that time goes by so quickly, you have to grab onto things and whatever happens will happen. Well, Jan — I agree with most of that, but the thing is I don't feel the chemistry to BE physical with him — at least not yet. Doesn't mean I won't feel that way with time. Is this wrong?? I like the guy and he told me last night that he likes me a lot. I don't want to stop seeing him, but I don't want to keep blowing him off when he wants to be physical. Anyway, thanks again for yesterday. I appreciate you so much. You're my mentor and I love you for it. Take care ؏ be well. Love, Jan's response: I appreciate you so much, too! :) And I enjoyed our talk. Working with you is very gratifying, because you're intelligent and insightful and open to the truth. About this third-date guy, :) ... not being overly attracted CAN be a gift. Continue to enjoy his company. You're not blowing him off; you're just allowing yourself to be true to yourself, not to be intimidated. You don't have to feel more or do more at his pace, AND you don't have to stop seeing him because you don't. Sounds so trite, but he will — and does, I'm sure — respect you for sticking to what you believe in. The admonition not to be afraid is fine, but I don't think you're holding back physically out of fear. You might talk to him more, maybe more nakedly...I think it's okay for him to know that you're allowing time for your feelings to kick in — and not simply restraining them or your physical urges. One can jump in out of fear OR hold back out of fear. You might mention that to him. It could be interesting to see if he can/is willing to consider fear as a motivating factor for him to “grab on to things.” I'm not saying it is with him, but it's a chance to explore his depth and honesty, one of my favorite things to do. :) Enjoy! Be happy! Be free! Be true to yourself! I love you, People, without a home... I read your last Newsletter about the homeless with enthusiasm. I have been involved with the homeless for years; in our community, we are building a place for them. But many do not want a home or to assimilate into society. I met this beautiful homeless woman about 32 years of age. She lives in a shack she made by the railroad tracks. She drops by my house to shower, drink coffee, or leave her cart. We discussed her life. She said she had a daughter in a care home, that guys broke her heart, and she lost her mom and dad, so she took to the street. I asked her if I love her, would she accept me. She answered no, said she loved being free and likes living her way. Would someone like this make a good partner if she decided to come back to society?? Jan's response: I'm glad you found January's Newsletter of interest. It came from my heart If your friend decides that she really wants a partner to share her life with, then I think she could make a wonderful partner. And perhaps she just needs to open up and risk believing that it's possible to love somebody and be close, without getting hurt. Love is always worth the risk. :) Real versus internet relationship... I have been reading your articles for some time now and thoroughly enjoy both the topic and the insight that you have into relationship issues... I am a divorced 45-year-old woman who has recently met a man of the same age, quite by chance - face to face, (read on I'll explain it). We get along famously—interesting conversations, very passionate sexual encounters, great times out with friends, etc. After a 19-year marriage, this seems like the perfect fit for me. Anyhow, we have been dating for 2 years and have discussed living together, marriage, and a non marriage long term relationship. I am, well, maybe a bit old fashioned and not as worldly as let's say the 25 to 35 generation. In that I mean the hooking up, the internet relationships, the casual dating, friends-with-benefits, stuff like that. It has recently come to light that this man whom I have come to love “deeply” over the past 2 years has been continuing a long-term internet relationship for the entire time. I found out in a really harsh way (the late at night phone call and admission by him). I say harsh because it would seem that this (internet) relationship has now spilled into a “real world” relationship if she is calling late at night to his home and probably various other times to his cell too. How do you handle things like this? I am not from the internet world and I am having a really tough time understanding how you can trust someone that you have never met so much that you would invite them into your actual home world.... Is the real world relationship, the one that you can touch, now being replaced with internet relationships, that lead to the one you can touch? This may sound bizarre but I need some direction. Jan's response: Thank you for reading my column and sharing your heart with me. I don't draw a line between an “internet” relationship and a “real world” relationship. I think they're both real. I don't think internet relationships will ever replace face-to-face, in the flesh relationships. Certainly, they can lead to them, though. People meet on the internet, date, and get married. And it's easy to see how companionship, however lacking, on the internet could satisfy people enough that they would pursue face-to-face relationships with less fervor. I wouldn't blame your feelings on a lack of worldliness. And if you want to share more of your feelings or ask more questions, perhaps I could be of more help. I also offer free 15-minute coaching sessions. Wishing you the best of you--life and love, Walking down the aisle happy... I need some advice, and my friend told me to ask you. I'm getting married in May of 2008, and my parents are divorced. Well my mom is remarried. My stepdad and father don't get along at all. So when you're supposed to have someone walk you down the aisle, I picked my mom so I wouldn't have to deal with the fighting about who was gonna do it. Well, my dad just doesn't understand why I'm doing it...he said it shouldn't matter...that he could have had me with another girl instead of my mom. Well, that alone just crushed me. I don't wanna be upset for my wedding. I want it the way I want it. My fiance said that he doesn't want to see me crying at our reception. He said to tell my dad it's my wedding and it should be how I want it, and if he doesn't like it, to not come. Please help me out if it's possible. I'm desperate. Thank you so much, Jan's response: Dear Elaine, Yes, it's your wedding! And as you said, “I don't wanna be upset for my wedding, I want it the way I want it.” You also said, “I picked my mom so I wouldn't have to deal with the fighting about who was gonna do it.” Since it is your wedding, why not pick the person you really want to walk you down the aisle — without regard for “the fighting.” If you want your mom to do it, fine; but I don't recommend choosing her to avoid a fight — any more than I recommend choosing your dad now to avoid a fight. Regarding your dad's comment that he could have had you with another girl, I think he was simply making the point that he's the father, with or without your mother. He is. And the father traditionally walks the bride down the aisle. Of course, that doesn't mean you want your biological father to walk you down the aisle. You get to choose what feels good to you! And that's what I recommend you do. Who would you choose if you weren't afraid (of anything)? Choose that person. Be true to yourself and you will be at peace. Hope that helps! And you are quite welcome. |